Do not go gentle into that good night,
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”