People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
This meal prepping shit is easy
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
incredible book dedication
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Wake me when AI does housework
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.