My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
We’ve all been there
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life