Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
so this horse walks into a bar
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder