Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok