The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me