When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus