If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
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I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?