[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
“you changed” bro i was 15
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself