PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.![]()
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.