This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
You Might Also Like
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
How your email finds me
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.