Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.