seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie