Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
This is sending me to another galaxy
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?