Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
New favorite tiktok
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Is your wife single?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded