“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep