I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
You Might Also Like
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I put the h in mysterious.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.