Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
You Might Also Like
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling