Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? ITâS NOT COOL!
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone đ
Him: We all are…
My daughter wants to know why I wonât peel and slice her apple and according to her âbecause Iâm drivingâ is not a valid excuse.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it wonât come up when you search âOppenheimer bombâ.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Pro tip:
Donât drop the remote on your wifeâs face when she falls asleep in your lap
If you excel at something, people love it until they donât. But you wonât know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
âSorry, where are my manners? You want some?â
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date