Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Yeah. This was me today.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this