Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“Sheer Arrogance”