The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
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I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.