Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic