If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
What kind of a cult is this?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.