Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
#Caturday
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you