My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.