it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
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TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.