I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Oh hi lol
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
He took my last fry, your honor
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.