I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”