me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”