Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
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Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.