Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl