My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?