[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
this is me
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Don’t forget to tip your server
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.