Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
felt cute might bury dad later idk
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Uh oh…
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.