Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned