A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight