COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
6: are snakes just neck?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture