I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago