My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine