I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
This is sending me to another galaxy
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.