Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
did it work
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.