whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
True.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
This is not me but this is me
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.