“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
This did not end as expected.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*