Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
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Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Whoa 😂
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn