Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
You Might Also Like
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.