Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be