My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
You Might Also Like
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.