i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy