Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
You Might Also Like
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*seductively corrects your posture*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror